Support Network and insensitive remarks

I have been reading Empty Cradle, Broken Heart, a book that a sweet friend mailed to me after losing Lua, and I came across a section that I felt was so perfect and should be shared with others! A section about unsettling remarks is a spot on section that talks about what 'friends' or people in general say that they think is helpful but it really is not! And in the book they give replies to the statements that, I'm guessing almost all, grieving people hear! I wanted to share this section because I hope that if anyone else goes through a difficult time, friends and family could think twice before saying the go to statements most people say. The replies on here are SPOT ON! Exactly the thoughts I have had when I've heard these statements! Since some of these are directed towards miscarriage, I can admit that I have said some of these things in the past too... I know it is really hard to know what to say in hard situations, that is why I loved when someone at Lua's funeral came up to me and said, "I'm so sorry.. my daughter told me that is the only thing I can say!" And she was very very right!

Here is a small sampling of insensitive rationalistic statements from well-meaning people trying to ease the pain, and here is how it can feel to hear these remarks. 

"You're healthy, young. You can always have another baby."
But you want this baby.

"Be thankful that you already have a healthy child."   --- I hear this one A LOT
But children can't replace each other. 

"I know just how you feel. My dog died last summer."
They presume to know how you feel or belittle your grief by making comparisons.

"Your baby is a little angel in heaven."
But you don't want a little angel. You want a baby in your arms.

"This is nature's way of weeding out the defective ones."
But why did this have to happen to you and your baby?

"You're lucky it happened now instead of six months from now."
How on earth can your baby's death be "lucky"?!

"At least you know you are fertile."
It is hardly a comfort to know you can conceive but can't keep the baby.

"At least your loss was final. When our house burned down, for months we kept remembering more things we were missing."
But you too will always miss your baby and remember what might have been as the years go by!

It is during the darkest times that you truly understand those who want to support you and be there for you, and I feel like I have been very lucky to have a very good support system. I have only heard these things from people who were not very close to me and the situation we were/are in, which is further proof of the friends you want to keep close in your life. There were many people who really stood up to the task and be there for us when Lua was in the hospital and when we first got home. It blew me away! I also feel like a special case because I know many other mothers in similar situations who have very little help. I could never thank the friends and family of mine who did anything that was asked of them during this really hard time! And I'm so thankful that none of them said these comments to me on a regular basis! I remember when I was younger my dad told me that the friends you make in high school won't stay your friends, the friends you make in college will be more of the friends you keep for life. The truth is, the friends you make or have during really difficult times in your life, those are the friends that you will keep for life! 


Thanks again my great support system!