Baby C

Yesterday we were able to see our new little kidney bean, aka baby c. At our first doctor appointment we weren't able to catch a heart beat, so the doctor thought it would put me more at ease if we got an ultra sound and an idea of how far along the baby is. Measuring at 10 weeks 2 days, so pretty accurate to what was originally thought. It was good to have this ultra sound, even though the tech didn't spend much time looking at the baby, he just kept saying, 
"well I don't even know why you are having an ultra sound so early, there isn't anything to see." 
I tried explaining to him that our last baby had complications and we wanted to be on top of things this time around, I don't think he really cared and kept repeating, yeah well there just isn't much to see.... But we did see the baby bouncing around and kicking and moving and that was super important for me to see!!! And he would only spend a little time looking at the baby, so weird, oh well. Anyway I feel a little more relaxed now about this baby after seeing it move so much. When we did an ultra sound at 16 weeks, it was like Lua was sleeping during the whole thing, she hardly moved. All the doctors say that arthrogryposis happens around 14 weeks (? I believe) This could explain why she was so quiet in there. 
Around 18 weeks I will start routine ultra sounds and they will look very closely at the baby to make sure it is very active, the more active the better! And this will go on until 32 weeks about, we will be keeping a close eye on this little bean here this time around. 

Some moments I feel so insanely guilty that we are having another baby, that I feel some what happy and excited about it. It seems like I don't deserve this life, go from having all this hard work keeping our baby alive to back to normal every day same ol' same ol' thing?? I mean we failed at keeping her alive so it feels like maybe we shouldn't get a second chance??? It is a very complex arrangement of emotions that is going on. I am glad that going through this will help to heal us and all that has happened, but I still struggle with all the guilt that comes with it, it is really hard to explain.

A lot is about to change for our little family as well. We are finalizing all the details for the house we are working on purchasing, and then hopefully we will be moving mid July. It is exciting to be going to a new town and a new house! It is also hard leaving here, all our friends and family and our routine we have here, but I think this move is pretty important for us to finally get a fresh start... and again with that comes guilt. Living here is where we had Lua and unfortunately where we are living is where she passed away and I don't want it to be like we are leaving her far behind. But what can you do? She has to stay close to our hearts and move with us. I also know she has to start moving towards the back of my mind more, something I really don't want and don't even know if I can do. I spent so much time thinking about her and remembering all our moment with her, but I know at some point that will get less and we have to move forward. I hate that! If I could have a wish, I would wish for her and her medical problems, with the new house, new town, and new baby, all together! That would be the best option we could have ever had!

Little peanut. Heart beat 175.