It has been almost 4 months since my baby has passed away. We all have been going through the 'motions' of grief, I suppose. I have reached out to other mothers who have lost babies and it seems to be the same thing, you never really recover but learn how to deal with the pain. At first I didn't understand exactly what that meant, how can you not recover? Of course a few months into missing her, I know why you don't recover. When a piece of your heart has literally been broken into thousands of pieces, that is something that will never be healed, you could never find all those missing pieces again to put back together. I have learned that I can't expect to heal from this, I literally have to learn how to live a new life. Unfortunately this new life is with out someone who gave me such a great purpose, you can see how this can be so difficult to move on from.
Something that is so terribly annoying to me, is how life seemed to go back to 'normal'. It is almost like she was never here. I mean for 3 months we lived at a ronald house, spent all my days in the hospital NICU, and trying to juggle my almost 3 year old and my new baby with all these difficulties. It was a huge task and I put so much of everything I had into this. I feel like I went from being 25 to 45 in under 7 months. Now today, it is the same 'ol same 'ol. I see and talk to pregnant mommies or moms who just had their babies, and I'm not qualified to relate to them because I don't have a baby to show. I feel slightly like no one really wants to hear my experiences with Lua, I'm not sure if it is because they think it will make me sad, or if it makes them sad and who wants to feel sad when you have a newborn in your arms? I went to see a grief counselor, one time, back in november. While I was telling her everything she stops me and says, "I just want to let you know, I just came back from maternity leave".... I didn't know what to say, I told her I was sorry, she said she just wanted to let me know she can relate, I guess (?) but honestly that was kinda weird for me but I still planned on going to it because hopefully it would be some place to talk about Lua with out feeling like I'm making people sad. But the next meeting I was sick and then I never rescheduled, maybe it just wasn't the right fit.
Besides that me and my oldest daughter are back to our same routine and it is so annoying. There should be a baby here, we should be planning her first birthday party, we should be doing a lot of different things, but, saying should wont fix anything. Oh well. These are just a few of the struggles after losing my baby...
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