Wishing for normal

Sometimes I feel like there is something wrong with me, why can't everything just come back together and I can feel normal again. Although, I know I will never fully feel normal ever again, I do wish that I didn't feel so strange with life. I don't know the exact words to describe what it is unfortunately. If anyone who is reading this has ever lost a baby, I highly recommend you read the book, Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. The book is so spot on with the different feelings you will endure and experience, and it helps me to feel like I am not a total nut case because they are talking about the feelings I am having to a T! And tonight I read a section about spiritual aspects, how some people will cling to their beliefs and use it as a comfort, and others will struggle and question their faith and beliefs. I would happen to be the second one. I never thought I would have any difficulties especially since I never really did before, and that is counting going through high school! This is why I feel like there is something wrong with me. While so many other mothers, parents, and family members cling to their relationship with God and rely fully on their faith, I struggle to do this. I also feel like there is no one in the world that I can talk to about this because, well the one time I did I only hear, well you better figure it out soon! (This wasn't apart of that conversation but I basically felt like they were saying) Do you want to go to hell!?!! I feel like I would get the same response from pastors too. I want people who are devoted Christians and look down on those who have struggles to know that it isn't that easy!!! I can't just switch a flip and have this new rejuvenated faith and relationship with God, because if I could do that, I would do that! Of course I would choose to do that, and I am sorry to everyone who thinks that I need to 'figure it out', or the fact that because they are going through struggles and giving everything they have up to God doesn't mean that is how everyone else works. I think part of it is I have extreme fear in giving it all up. I prayed for this little baby Lua since the second I found out I was pregnant with her. My prayer was always the same, a healthy baby and a safe delivery. Ok well, she wasn't healthy, and her heart almost stopped after she was born, so I didn't get anything I had been praying for for the last 9 months. I am not dissing all the miracles that happened with Lua, but my fear of asking for anything ever again is real. What if I pray to keep a friend safe from this and that and it doesn't happen?! I prayed so many times after Lua was born that she would meet her full potential here on earth. She improved and then she declined and now she is gone. It is all so very hard for me to understand.
Some days I simply cannot fathom that this happened to us. I am not talking about her complications she was born with, I do not think I am too good to be given a child with extra needs, after the initial shock of it all, you learn to live with it, and then you learn to make the best of it. I thought that would be my worst struggle, having to learn all the new cares for the rest of my life that I would have to do for my child. I knew some day I would lose her, I understood God may eventually take her, but I never expected it to happen, especially so soon. 
Right now I am trying my best, but I am disappointed, hurt, confused, and of course sad and all of these things have just made me view the world and life differently than I did before. I know this isn't the 'right' thing to do, but I am honestly waiting for some explanation or extra help from God. I know, I know, everyone is thinking that is so stupid, you should be out there trying and trying and trying. I just wish people knew how hard I had prayed for our baby, tears and break downs every day bagging all for nothing??? I love the go to's as well, she is free from her struggles, she is healed, and God has another angel. But I still needed her! I know that is selfish, but if you knew you had to let go of one of your children, how easy would it be for you? Would you not be selfish as well? Why do people assume that parents who have lost a child won't still want to be selfish? I guess I am not like Abraham at all, I couldn't do what he was committed to doing, but to be fair in the end he didn't have to kill his son. . .
I am serious, though, I am jealous of those who have gone through difficulties in their lives and they were so easily able to connect to their faith and only make it stronger. The point of me mentioning the book, (now paragraphs way too late) was because they talk about how it is normal to have these struggles and that sometimes it just takes time. I wish more people understood that and could be more supportive. is it kind of odd how I had so many great supporters with Lua and everything, but when it comes to religion, I feel like I have none. There isn't anyone who could listen to my struggles and understand with out judging me. Ugh, sometimes I wish there was someone who was in the exact situation as me so I wouldn't have to feel so alone.