The longest walk home.

I saw this at a glance on pinterest and it completely stopped me in my scrolling rage, and made me think of our walk home after losing our baby. This image/wording is so so true, it is such a painfully long walk home, it is a memory I don't think about often but this post made me remember that walk as if it was yesterday. After Lua got to the hospital, I was bagging for them to shock her heart, do anything to get her to have a heart beat again, and after 20 some mins. they then called it. I didn't think I would be able to hold her lifeless body but after they got her all situated we came in and I couldn't even stop my body from grabbing her and holding her and crying out her name wishing so badly that maybe, MAYBE, if she could hear my heart beat I could get her back. But I couldn't of course, and after me and my husband and mom and dad held her for a long time we went back and told May that her sister had passed away. Her reaction was hard to see, she was playing some what before I got to her and she stopped suddenly and had a very serious face and said, nuh huh you are kidding, you are joking me. How a 3 year old can stop and think that it was all a joke too that there was no way her little sister could be gone, really surprises me. After having to tell her again that we were not kidding and it wasn't a joke, she crawled under a chair and said she didn't want to see anyone. I think that was her moment to try to figure out what had just happened.  After that my parents took May and we had to go back to the house to go over the investigation with the police. Neither of us took a vehicle there, my husband was on the ambulance and a police officer took me and May, we were offered rides but I didn't want to sit.. we only live maybe 2 miles away from the hospital so I started walking and my husband did too. It was october and it was pretty brisk out. The whole walk I had to try to imagine that she was actually gone, I would be going back to our house and she wouldn't be there... I didn't even know if I could actually step foot inside our house. We walked and cried and I held my heart like I did when Lua was born and we weren't sure she would make it. She had more than made up for that feeling the first time with giving us 7 months of love but now I knew that this pain my heart was feeling wouldn't be able to go away any time soon. We walked almost all the way home before the police officer saw us and offered to give us a ride the rest of the way, but that was the worst walk of my life, spending it going through everything that had just happened and trying to make sense of it all. I'm a little surprised my feet were able to take me as far as they did that day...