Thinking of you, Lua, on your birthday

Lua's 1st birthday is approaching quickly, and I keep trying to sort out how I feel about this day. It seems like she was born only yesterday, and everything that happened is still so fresh. The day she was born felt like the worst day of my life since we were told she wasn't going to survive the next 24 hours. She quickly started to turn things around and we were given so much hope that things were going to be okay. I was looking forward for her having her first birthday so badly, then we would have new memories of her birthday with her turning 1! instead of only remembering how difficult it was bringing her into this world. But at least now the day she was born is no longer the scariest day of our lives, it was a very rough day, but the day she passed is of course much more painful. So as I sit here thinking of her birthday I know there are so many things that I wish I could say to her, hold her, let her taste cake! Although none of that will happen, I hope I will still be able to write something to her and read it at her grave site the day of her birthday.
I need to work on something that i would like to say to her. Before she passed, I started a journal for her and my older daughter as well, telling them about how the days went, what we did, any special things that happened, or just talked about whatever! It is called Dear Lua/ Dear May, not the most creative title but oh well. Which is why I will start what I have to say as this...

Dear Lua,
I have so many things I wish I could say to you today. I wish I could be holding you tight in my arms wishing you the happiest birthday ever. Even though I can't do these things, in my heart, I'm holding you as close as possible. I want to thank you for all the things you have given to me while you were here. You took me out of my comfort zone and made me stand up for what needed to be done. You made our whole family experience new things and opened a whole new world to us. You are the one who brought us to meet wonderful families and amazing babies all around the country that share similarities to you. We learned a whole new way of living and we learned a whole new type of love. With you, although we had many difficulties, there was a feeling of completeness and total happiness in our whole family. Your big sister has loved you so much since the day you were here and even still today. She is so proud of her baby sister, and she thinks and talks about you every day. You helped her become the great big sister that she was and I know she loved every second she had with you. Of course you changed my life and your daddys life forever. You meant the world to both of us and not a day goes by that I dont think about your beautiful smile and how you would make me laugh with all your silliness. I know in my heart that you were made for me and I was made for you, which is why losing you hurts so much. The day you were born and I heard all that was wrong with you, but had not seen you yet, I was of course terrified but I had no clue how much I would love you until I set my eyes on you. It was like I already knew you and I had made up my mind that I was not going to lose you that day. I'm thankful for every month, day, second that we had with you, some of my favorite memories are the very early mornings we sat in your room during your feeds and I got to hold you so close to my heart, which was never easy because of all the equipment needed but we made it work! Our bed time sing and dance moments where I could feel your heart beating against mine, and my favorite times was watching you and May sit together or her playing with the toys with you. I wouldnt trade those moments for anything. My dear sweet Lua, oh how I love you and miss you and struggle with losing you every day, the only thing that helps the pain is to know I will never forget you and I will keep you in my heart forever and remember how much life I saw in your beautiful little face, I can't even picture you actually being gone because you were the baby who had so much life beaming through your eyes. You are truly my heart and soul, the brightest light in my life and I'm so thankful you picked us as your family and me as your mommy. Happy 1st birthday my wonderful, precious, sweet baby girl!