I won't sugar coat it, today has been a pretty crappy day. My daughter spent the night with grandma and grandpa, and time alone for me turns out to be not so relaxing. May definitely keeps me grounded and forces me to keep going on days I don't think I can, and with her not here, well I spent my morning watching tons of friends episodes, playing sims, basically trying to wish I was living a different life. I mean, seriously, how can you look at her sweet face and imagine that she is just gone?! She can't be gone, when I was with her, when she was here, I saw so much life in her. She was so sparky and could melt anyone's heart in seconds! It Just doesn't make sense!!! The more sense I try to make of it, the more I drive myself crazy. Obviously the logical answer would be to let it be, it doesn't and wont make sense... but it hurts.
I have found a new hatred for facebook too... a love hate relationship I suppose. That is why it is nice to just vent and complain here, as annoying as it is how depressing and sad my posts are, it does help to get it out somewhere though, so sorry to anyone who finds this the most depressing blog ever. Anyway, to continue on with the rambling... losing her feels like my heart has literally, i mean Seriously, ripped in half. I wish it wasn't so painful, but then again if it didn't hurt so much that would only mean the love I have for her wasn't very strong. With it being March I am constantly thinking about how things were last year... remembering her in my tummy, and thinking about how life will be having 2 kid! So exciting! So much to get done! Set up the crib, go through the clothes, decorate the room, everything general neutral because our baby wouldn't let us see the gender. Everything was so exciting this time a year ago. If only I would have known what was about to happen, maybe would have been able to prepare more. AHh the if only's, how annoying are they?! I hate it. I just simply hate it. This. I miss her.
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