when I finally have time to write, all alone, no kid, no dog, no distractions at all, that is when I find it the hardest to write anything. Maybe the pressure of knowing anyone could read this even though I had tried journaling before, not publically, and alone is when I find that I don't know what I'm thinking or how to put my thoughts together.
one thing I think about is how there have been so many parents/mothers who have lost babies. Healthy babies, babies with diseases, babies in accidents, all have been taken too early. I know I'm not the first to lose a child, but it is crazy how you still feel like you are the only one who has. Each situation is different, I think that is one reason why it is easy to feel alone in your situation. Yet every mother who has lost a child feels the same way regardless of what situation it was that they lost them. I sometimes think, I have never had anyone say this to me or any proof of this, but I feel sometimes people think it is somewhat a blessing of our baby passing. She had many challenges and we had a lot of work to do for her. One thing everyone should know is, while maybe she was uncomfortable or if this was a blessing for her, it will never be a blessing for me or for our family. We love her to the moon and back and yes we had a lot of challenges I was so happy to have her in our lives. I would give up every free second I have now to have her back with me. It will never be a blessing to me to have lost her. Never. I know someone told my mom that they felt bad for us for being so young and having a child with disabilities, but I never did feel bad for us. I did feel for her and worry about her, but for me she was just another reason to keep my heart beating. This pain of losing her is way more difficult than taking care of a trach and gtube.
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