There is this song called Chasing the Sun, I had it on my playlist for awhile but the other day when I was really missing Lua, it popped up again, and it was so fitting... for our son!
baby Sol
(pronounced like Saul, means Sun in portuguese)
I'm going to be honest.. when I found out I was pregnant I thought it could go two ways, nothing would come up because they wouldnt find a diagnosis on Lua, which would give us really big hopes that it was a huge fluke thing and it would never happen again! Or, everyone would freak out about everything that came up, I would have to go to a special place to deliver, he would be born and be 100% healthy. I think we are for sure headed towards having to deliver next to a childrens hospital, but the possibility of this all for nothing is quickly going out the door. You can see clear evidence that his wrist is pretty stuck there, and this is the same position he has been in for 3 ultrasounds. My hopes are quickly fading away that he will be perfectly healthy, and remembering everything we went through with Lua is becoming more real and unbearable. I can't live every day in fear of another baby dying, I know I'm being a child, but I don't want to do all that work again. It was truly too hard and I didn't get an option last time. This time I get to sit and think about everything for the next 3 months and how horrible things use to be, we had a baby to hold when things were hard, but we can't do that right now and that makes decision making extremely difficult. But also, this guilt, is ridiculous. I have ruined not just Lua's life, baby Sol, May, who believes she will have a healthy brother to play with, but also my husbands life. He deserved to have a baby boy more than anyone, a baby to play catch with and run with and soccer, all those things he has wanted, but because I'm foolish and believed nothing bad could happen to us again, felt it was perfectly fine to try again for a baby before learning Lua's diagnosis. So much irresponsibility, we aren't the couple that can blindly plan for a family, and now we know we are a couple that cannot go on to have any more healthy kids. That is the problem with hearing this news about Sol, his life and any future plans are stripped away from us.
My heart aches for May the most. It is unbelievable that she will be our only healthy child. I never would have thought that. And it is hilarious because before getting pregnant with Lua, I felt so so so uncertain if we would be the type of people who could have more than one child, I made the comment, well God if you really want us to have more kids then I would have to get pregnant soon or else we are closing the doors to that one! It wasn't but a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant with who would be Lua. So in my ignorance believed God couldn't possibly let it happen again and thinking he gave me Lua so that we could go on to have Sol. We loved Lua so much losing her was so hard, but we knew we wanted to have 2 kids after her. That was the reason for Lua, it had to be! So how does that explain this then? It is a punishment, has to be, there can be no other explanation.
Without sounding ungrateful, I'm already tired of explaining to people what is going on, they think it is no big deal, or they don't take me seriously how bad things could be. Or I hear, well it is Gods plan. It is SO easy to believe that when you have never had a struggle in life. Losing a job is the worst you have encountered and that probably was a blessing. I didn't think we made it look as easily as people think it was with Lua, and if we did, i'm really sorry but don't be naive like me, it was NOT easy. Loving her was Easy! taking care of her Was Not!!! Unless you enjoy being hooked up to a suction machine that is louder than thunder, all day long, pumping every 2 hours, measuring milk every 3 hours, monitoring stats all day long, sleeping close to none, I mean if all of this sounds easy to you, then Please switch lives with me and tell me what you think. You hear the term, but you are so strong... even something my husband says, oh you were so good with Lua... There isn't anything to be good at?! Most mothers would do the exact same thing I did! I did nothing different except for let the doctors walk all over me.. a great mom would have done what she knew was right! I was only the best I was because Lua made me be..But Yes, in a sense, we were strong and we will be "strong" again, not because we want to but because we have no choice in the matter. I don't want to feel sorry for myself for the next few months, but im struggling with trying to not do that. I truly feel so bad for this little boy, I never ever would have done this to him if I would have known.
My last thought is for the women who will go on to have healthy happy babies... when you have delivered your baby, and they put the child on your chest and you get to hold your baby, enjoy that moment for as long as you can. That was the best moment of my life when they put May on my chest, it was the one feeling I remembered when I was in labor with Lua that helped me get through it, I knew in a few hours I would get that sweet baby on my chest again. I didn't get that moment. I thought I would get it one last time with this baby, but chances are very slim. I envy you all who have gotten to experience that more than once, you are the lucky ones!
Here is the song to listen to and the lyrics (the more important part)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VfIuJpdTDCU
It’s a really old city
Stuck between the dead and the living
So I thought to myself,
Sitting on a graveyard shelf
As the echo of heartbeats,
From the ground below my feet
Filled a cemetery
In the center of Queens
I started running the maze of
The names and the dates, some
Older than others the skyscrapers, little tombstone brothers
With Manhattan behind her, three million stunning reminders
Built a cemetery
In the center of Queens
You said, remember that life is
Not meant to be wasted
We can always be chasing the sun!
So fill up your lungs and just run
But always be chasing the sun!
So how do you do it,
With just words and just music,
Capture the feeling that my earth is somebody’s ceiling
Can I deliver in sound
The weight of the ground
Of a cemetery
In the center of Queens
There’s a history through her
Sent to us as a gift from the future
To show us the proof
More than that, it’s to dare us to move
And to open our eyes and to learn from the sky
From a cemetery
In the center of Queens
You said, remember that life is
Not meant to be wasted
We can always be chasing the sun!
So fill up your lungs and just run
But always be chasing the sun!
All we can do is try
And live like we’re still alive
It’s a really old city
Stuck between the dead and the living
So I thought to myself
Sitting on a graveyard shelf
And the gift of my heartbeat sounds like a symphony
Played by a cemetery
in the center of Queens
You said, remember that life is
Not meant to be wasted
We can always be chasing the sun!
So fill up your lungs and just run
But always be chasing the sun!
All we can do is try
And live like we’re still alive
All we can do is try
And live like we’re still alive
My heart aches for May the most. It is unbelievable that she will be our only healthy child. I never would have thought that. And it is hilarious because before getting pregnant with Lua, I felt so so so uncertain if we would be the type of people who could have more than one child, I made the comment, well God if you really want us to have more kids then I would have to get pregnant soon or else we are closing the doors to that one! It wasn't but a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant with who would be Lua. So in my ignorance believed God couldn't possibly let it happen again and thinking he gave me Lua so that we could go on to have Sol. We loved Lua so much losing her was so hard, but we knew we wanted to have 2 kids after her. That was the reason for Lua, it had to be! So how does that explain this then? It is a punishment, has to be, there can be no other explanation.
Without sounding ungrateful, I'm already tired of explaining to people what is going on, they think it is no big deal, or they don't take me seriously how bad things could be. Or I hear, well it is Gods plan. It is SO easy to believe that when you have never had a struggle in life. Losing a job is the worst you have encountered and that probably was a blessing. I didn't think we made it look as easily as people think it was with Lua, and if we did, i'm really sorry but don't be naive like me, it was NOT easy. Loving her was Easy! taking care of her Was Not!!! Unless you enjoy being hooked up to a suction machine that is louder than thunder, all day long, pumping every 2 hours, measuring milk every 3 hours, monitoring stats all day long, sleeping close to none, I mean if all of this sounds easy to you, then Please switch lives with me and tell me what you think. You hear the term, but you are so strong... even something my husband says, oh you were so good with Lua... There isn't anything to be good at?! Most mothers would do the exact same thing I did! I did nothing different except for let the doctors walk all over me.. a great mom would have done what she knew was right! I was only the best I was because Lua made me be..But Yes, in a sense, we were strong and we will be "strong" again, not because we want to but because we have no choice in the matter. I don't want to feel sorry for myself for the next few months, but im struggling with trying to not do that. I truly feel so bad for this little boy, I never ever would have done this to him if I would have known.
My last thought is for the women who will go on to have healthy happy babies... when you have delivered your baby, and they put the child on your chest and you get to hold your baby, enjoy that moment for as long as you can. That was the best moment of my life when they put May on my chest, it was the one feeling I remembered when I was in labor with Lua that helped me get through it, I knew in a few hours I would get that sweet baby on my chest again. I didn't get that moment. I thought I would get it one last time with this baby, but chances are very slim. I envy you all who have gotten to experience that more than once, you are the lucky ones!
Here is the song to listen to and the lyrics (the more important part)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VfIuJpdTDCU
It’s a really old city
Stuck between the dead and the living
So I thought to myself,
Sitting on a graveyard shelf
As the echo of heartbeats,
From the ground below my feet
Filled a cemetery
In the center of Queens
I started running the maze of
The names and the dates, some
Older than others the skyscrapers, little tombstone brothers
With Manhattan behind her, three million stunning reminders
Built a cemetery
In the center of Queens
You said, remember that life is
Not meant to be wasted
We can always be chasing the sun!
So fill up your lungs and just run
But always be chasing the sun!
So how do you do it,
With just words and just music,
Capture the feeling that my earth is somebody’s ceiling
Can I deliver in sound
The weight of the ground
Of a cemetery
In the center of Queens
There’s a history through her
Sent to us as a gift from the future
To show us the proof
More than that, it’s to dare us to move
And to open our eyes and to learn from the sky
From a cemetery
In the center of Queens
You said, remember that life is
Not meant to be wasted
We can always be chasing the sun!
So fill up your lungs and just run
But always be chasing the sun!
All we can do is try
And live like we’re still alive
It’s a really old city
Stuck between the dead and the living
So I thought to myself
Sitting on a graveyard shelf
And the gift of my heartbeat sounds like a symphony
Played by a cemetery
in the center of Queens
You said, remember that life is
Not meant to be wasted
We can always be chasing the sun!
So fill up your lungs and just run
But always be chasing the sun!
All we can do is try
And live like we’re still alive
All we can do is try
And live like we’re still alive
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