the need for boring days

Ohhh little Sol.. I cannot believe how his first 20 days of life have been going...the amount of times we have had to watch him struggle to breathe in 20 days is just ridiculous. I can't even wrap my brain around all of this at times. I really dont understand why he has to go through so much so soon.

With the trach comes trach cares, cleaning the stoma, changing ties that hold the trach, cleaning his neck, the basic things. I had helped with this yesterday and it made him mad but went fine. Today though, we were working on them and his stoma site is just waay too large for his trach, this has also been giving him a huge leak on the vent and allowing him to make noises. Anyway, while trying to do cares, the vent pulling on his trach, suddenly the trach just fell out, usually there is a little more work that goes into getting the trach out but his stoma is just too large and his trach shouldn't be popping out that easily. The nurse stepped in, I could see the trach was kinked and I think she repositioned the trach and started gagging, but his chest was not coming up, his heart rate was dropping fast and his oxygen levels were well below the 30s under 20s... Everyone was showing up to help, but the nurse then switch out his trach and that gave instant results and his heart rate and oxygen slowly started coming back up.
It is the worst thing in the world to watch your child turn as white as a ghost and watch their vitals go down... I have to wonder what we are doing so wrong that things like this keep happening. Lost Lua, watched Sol just extubate himself like a week ago, and now this today... It seems that when the original trach went back in, it was closed off some how, either with secretions or it was just blocked off somewhere else in the hole in his neck and not in the correct positions because of how large his stoma is. We can't change anything right now because the stoma is so fresh they think getting a different size trach or a cuffed teach would stretch out his skin too much and make matters worse. Now we get to live on pins and needles as to if this will happen again, will we be there for it? Will it happen over night?? I just hate all of this very much.... I wish we could have extremely boring days some day...