Life after losing my baby : why don't you smile?

My 4 year old asked me today why I don't smile anymore... She has complained about this a few times, I just figured I need to make sure to smile at her more often. She has been a handful lately and needing more structure and discipline lately so I need to make sure to go over board with the smiling to over compensate. Earlier today I was smiling though and she said, "No that isn't how you smile, why don't you smile like you use to?" Then she took the ipad and brought up this picture and said, "See like this! Why don't you have this smile anymore?"
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ouch

Kids are so insightful. I didn't know that my smile changed, but I remember how I felt in this picture. I know I haven't felt that smile in a long time. I have many things to be happy about, I have many blessings in my life, but I guess when my baby went and when she took part of me, she took part of my smile away with her.
I feel terrible that my 4 year old thinks I don't "smile" anymore, I think she thinks it is her fault. Something she did that made me stop smiling. I don't even know what to tell her so that she would understand? I thought I was doing good at aiming smiles her way but maybe she can see the pain that is still behind the smile. I actually didn't even answer her, the only thing I thought to say is, No I still smile like that, see! I didn't really want to go into how losing Lua makes mommy really sad (and having another baby with the same condition makes mommy equally sad...) I wouldn't want her to think that she isn't good enough to make me smile like that, because she is very much so the reason I smile at all recently. I think I have just lost the innocents that allows one to have a goofy, dorky, uplifting smile. Either way, her question hurt pretty bad, like a knife to the heart.

Yesterday we went to Milwaukee for an MRI of the baby, we didn't get any results yet. I keep a few people that helped us with Lua informed on everything that is going on, and this morning I got a text asking how it went, or if I would rather not say because it is too overwhelming... I didn't even think until that text that we could be getting really terrible news, I thought we would just get the okay of no there is no blockage in the air way, or yes their is. I guess a blockage would be pretty bad news, but I guess they can get a better look at his muscles and give us more information, I'm not sure... but now I am holding my breath for those results.

And my daughter thought my smile was gone before this... hopefully I don't lose whatever I have left.

I just have to keep telling myself the reasons I am still blessed no matter what, life is what it is. In a jokey kind of way, I think, well 10% of babies go to the NICU or have issues, I'm glad I can be apart of that 10% to knock someone else off the board. Hopefully this means all the upcoming babies in our family will have no issues because we took the brunt of it all!

These are just a few of my blessings...

1. This little girl.