crunch time

I had my normal OB appointment yesterday where he had been updated that we were going to go ahead with the exit procedure. We unfortunately decided that we do not want to go this route. We feel that baby will be able to be intubated and if he really can't, we feel that then that is probably a sign we should let things be. The OB was totally fine with our decision and he was ready to start setting up a date for the csection. Our baby is still breech, he probably can't get head down anymore with the little movement he has, so a csection is necessary. But our OB is pretty funny, he said he likes doing breech deliveries but he could never recommend doing it for us because the lack of mobility. Hah, I still for some reason find that funny that he enjoys doing breech.
We were able to get the results of the MRI at the OB appointment as well. It was like looking at the report they must have made when Lua was first born. Almost EVERYTHING on their was identical to what was said about Lua when she was first born. Except on the report almost everything says, possible - could have - strongly feel.. a lot of assuming words, but none the less they say by the looks of him he is pretty bad. Contractures everywhere, club foot, cleft palate, severe kyphosis, cramped and no movement. Yeah Lua had club foot and cleft palate too, and some how those thins disappeared? How does that happen? I didn't know a cleft palate could just go away? I really hate when these doctors are making "educated" guesses. Whatever. 

After our OB appointment, like literally 10 minutes I got a call from Madison to schedule a time to go down their for consultation and set up a time for the csection. I had to tell her we changed our mind and wanted to stay at Neenah. She told me that our doctor called and said that wouldn't be possible at all anymore, and it became a rather weird conversation so I told her I would call her back. I made Thiago call our specialist and tell him our thoughts and he was not happy. He was really surprised to hear that we are okay with letting things be if they aren't able to intubate him. He never got that message from us that that would be something we would be okay with. He really wants us to go to madison and get a second opinion if nothing else.
It is really hard to try to explain this, I mean no we are not okay with watching another baby go, but I cannot take another baby home on a trach and have to be responsible to keep them alive again. It didn't work the last time and I cannot go 7 months or under a year and watch another baby die at our home, I don't want to do it. It is way too hard. Possibly losing a child at birth for me, as hard as it will be, feels like it would be easier than to get attached and then have to say goodbye. But what if the child doesn't pass away like last time... yeah well if he can't breathe at birth, if he can't move, his chances for survival are slim, we know this because we were told this over and over and over and over again while we were in the NICU. We were told many times how weak Lua was, oh I just don't see her ever doing anything, she wont live to 6 months, she doesn't have any muscle what-so-ever...
I don't want to hear this crap again. But the reason our specialist never got this vibe from us is because I never believed he was worse or as bad as Lua... but I should have known.. should have known this wouldn't be easy. I just honestly thought we would be able to have another child that was healthy. I see all these people having kids after their loss and they all have healthy happy babies. I truly thought that would be us. I thought we deserved that. But that isn't how life works. We have bad genes and that is how it works. I wish I wasn't jealous of every person having their healthy babies right now and everyone who will be having healthy babies, but what are you going to do?
Yet, of course once the baby is here, and if he needs a trach and we have to go down that road again, then we will because we have to and that is all we can do, and just hope something will be different this time. 

Anyway, the lady from Madison ended up calling me again and I told her what we were thinking and why we wanted to stay closer to home. I explained that it was very difficult with our previous daughter and it was just so hard watching her pass, we really don't want to have to do this again. She was so understanding and said that is 100% understandable and is my right to feel that way. I told her how our specialist really wants us to get a second opinion though, so we ended up setting a time that we can go there and be evaluated. It has to be pretty quick here so we will be going next week and we will meet with many different doctors and have a few different tests done and then we can talk and discuss a plan that will be best for us. I only feel strongly to do this because it is a different hospital and hopefully they will think, see, or do something differently than milwaukee. She also told me they usually do try to transfer babies to a nicu closer to home if it is possible, when we asked milwaukee this when we were waiting for Lua to either get off the vent or get big enough for a home vent, it was a flat out no because they were the best hospital for us. . .  at least madison is willing to consider already.