the mommy hood.

Mommy hood. Oh mommy hood. There are so many things that make this difficult, healthy kid or not. From my experience one of the most difficult things that make being a mom so difficult is, other moms. As much as I believe in having mommy friends for support, they can also make it very hard. Everyone does things differently and there are some people out there that know their way is the best and only way to do things. We know that isn't true, but I don't know what it is that makes mothers feel the need to out do each other. Be "better" than the other person. That may be... you think formula is better than breastmilk, cloth diapers vs disposable, vaccines vs no vaccines... I don't need to go on, those of us in the mommy hood know what the hot topics are and we all have our opinions. I've had my opinions too, and although I know I've had my share of judgmental moments, I would like to think I have tried to do my best to not force my opinions down someones throat and make them feel like they are less than me because they don't do it the way I do. This is something that has become painful to me after having Lua and Sol...

I don't know why as parents we find the need to try to out do each other. I think because having kids it becomes your next chance, if they do great than that reflects on how well you did as a parent, so we start making competitions. I felt this pressure a lot with May, everyone who had a baby May's age, it seemed like a constant battle.. Well my kid started crawling at 5 months! My kid was rolling over by 2 weeks! My kid was potty trained by 12 months! Or the one I heard the most, My baby started walking at 7! no 6! Months!! (a stranger actually told me that one....yeah..) Maybe it is more of a first parent type thing, or I really wouldn't know because things have been so different for me compared to most parents with second and third child. I just don't know why we do it. A healthy kid will eventually crawl, walk, talk, get out of diapers.. why are we in such a rush to make them grow up?

Regardless, it has come to my attention that sometimes I am out of line for blocking people on facebook (i know this because people have been telling me this and asking why they get deleted, very distant relatives i have never met have come up to me and asked why I won't add them on facebook... uhhm..). I don't think I really need to explain myself, but then I think, maybe just maybe some day someone else will find themselves in my situation and think, 'man if only someone would have written it out for me that I could explain to people how I feel.'
Then this will be well worth it, although it is a long shot because if someone finds themselves in my situation they probably won't care at all to make it a point to explain anything to anyone else, but put all their attention on making it through each day! But here I am wanting to explain myself anyway.

So, to my mommy friends support group, 

Please do not take offense if I have deleted or blocked you from facebook, I know we have heard the term it isn't you it is me, but in this case it really is. I take the time now to be a little more selfish than maybe I should be and that is why you may find that I can't be friends with you right now. I have had a hard time dealing with my grief, and after I lost Lua I actually left a mommy support group that I was on for many months so that my negativity and only wanting to post depressing posts wouldn't affect all those in the group. One day I had found that someone re-added me to the group and since I was recently pregnant with Sol I decided to stay, but constantly seeing many others having healthy pregnancy after healthy pregnancy made it really difficult for me to stay happy and all I wanted to do was say things that I knew I would regret, and sometimes I did it anyway. So for me to be able to stay in the group and not feel like wanting to put a knife through my eye, I had to eliminate the things that caused me the most pain. Unfortunately, sometimes that meant people who were/are currently pregnant. It is so hard for me to see healthy baby after healthy baby and I try to be so happy for everyone as much as I can, but sometimes it just wears me out, wears me down. I'm a very broken person at the time-being and I hope one day these things will be easier for me to handle. I know some are thinking just leave the group, well I tried once and besides I do have one healthy child and sometimes I have questions for the group about that. You are also probably thinking, just turn off the notifications for the page, I have done that. Turn off notifications of the people you don't want to see so much of, I have done that and things still show up. So I have tried other things, and sometimes I get to curious as to what everyone else is up to in life and go 'facebook stalking' and i only end up super upset, I know myself and I know the only way to help myself is to take away the option to do that completely. It is almost a great compliment if we are no longer friends on facebook, because that means I think your life is going so great I wish I could be in the same situation! Jealousy is a hard thing to deal with sometimes.
So again, please don't be offended, although I know some still will, I honestly really need to do what is best for me though. I would leave facebook completely so I dont need to deal with any of this, but facebook is the only way Thiagos family can see our family. If you would like to know what you can do, please just be patient and understanding, it is all I ask.

Thank you.