no place.

I never have the time to sit and think of a subject I want to write about, when I do start in a rant, I either have sol needing something or may. In the end I just go with not writing anything so I dont end up writing something I shouldn't have or something I haven't thought through. But I've been really down lately and thought getting something out would be nice.

I dont like when I feel down and have no specific reason for it to pin point the problem and try to fix it. I think I'm just tired of seeing everyone's happy lives while every day is a struggle for us to get through. The problem, facebook. I really hate it. I also hate feeling trapped. It is so hard to go out and do anything with sol and that is so unfair. Everyone can go do anything they want with their babies, but we have to split up if we want to go out, family outings dont happen often. Funny though if we had a healthy baby we probably wouldn't want to take them out to things anyways, but the fact of knowing how hard it is makes me so mad. Or maybe I'm down lately because in a few weeks sol will be the same age lua was when she passed away. I hate that I was an incompetent mother for her and couldn't help her more. I mostly hate that I have the worlds worst genes that causes this to happen to babies and there is nothing I can do about it. So very unfair. I know complaining won't help my situation, it will probably just make it worse in the end, but some days I'm just so sad.
I  feel like there is no place for me anywhere. All the support groups im in either their kids are so much better than sol and I dont get much from them, or they have a progressive disease and are declining in health which I can't exactly relate to, this is the problem of not having a diagnosis, I can't find the right group for support. When friends or family talk about kids they really only ask how may acted as a baby, because the other two kids I had dont count?!! Apparently not. I've never talked to someone who cared about luas sleeping habits or how sol sucks on a nuk, if you aren't something that everyone else is then no one relates to you and you get pushed aside in life. And that sucks. They say all life matters, what actually people mean to say is all life matters that is just like me. Maybe that is harsh, but come on... Really.. People only know what they can relate to, if you have never lived an experience how are you expected to know how it feels? I think that's a big part in why some people don't like the black lives matter. If you have never been harassed by the cops before then you cant even relate to how that feels. My husband has been harassed by cops in Brazil just because of his skin color. So although I never lived it, I've heard his experience and I can understand how scary that can be and the fact that it happens. Of course all lives matter, but not all lives are treated the same! As sol gets older, how easy of a life can you imagine he will have... Maybe there will be a few kids that treat him well but the majority of people will not treat him like everyone else because he isn't exactly like you and me. He isn't treated like a normal already, and no one cares. I just see how people are so happy it isn't them, it isn't their baby, isn't their family.
Which is why I say there is no place for me. I only receive pity, sympathy, or condescending people call me such a strong mother. It is all crap. I can tell it is said because they are so glad this never happened to them. My grandma, bless her heart, said that to me when we found out sol was affected... She said, I never had any of those issues with my children and I'm so glad I never had to deal with something like that. As harsh as it sounds and at the time I really didn't enjoy hearing that, it is truth and honest and I thank her for that. For not giving me some crap line as to, oh this is Gods will, everything has a reason, or some stupid untrue line like that. What you should say is, sometimes bad things happen to people that we don't know why and it sucks. Just be honest.

anyway, I seemed to have covered a bit during this post, so I shall put this thing to rest. Funny that when I started I didn't have much to say...