trying...

I dislike having so many posts that are unhappy... But I'm finding it hard to be happy recently.
As a side note, I realized I should stop writing on my phone because of all the mistakes I've seen in my posts, and I can't make corrections off my phone.. Oops!
Anyway, I wish I was that happy positive person and could take this situation and handle it with grace, but lately I just get so mad at the situation. I'm mad I have to find a new dr. Now when a huge part of the reason we moved was to be close to my Dr. For delivery, but that isn't happening at all now. I'm mad at God for allowing this to happen, or not I guess, mad that he isn't more involved (?) in the situation. I feel like I'm just being punished over and over. Maybe I shouldn't have questioned Him for Lua passing. Maybe if I wouldn't have done that this baby would be ok. I'm mad at our genetics and for being such a lethal mix for a baby. I'm jealous of how so many people can have kid after kid after kid with no issues at all. If lua would have been healthy we wouldn't have had another. Im not asking for 10 kids! A sibling for May, something we so badly want and we can't make it happen. I see parents who so dont deserve to have kids everyday, and I can't for the life of me understand why they can have kids and we can't have 2 healthy ones. Everything just makes me mad. Im never going to be able to sleep well ever again because before this I couldn't sleep because of the loss of lua.. And now I spend my nights angry that this is happening again. And if he has the same progression Lua had, he will too probably pass away, or become paralyzed at an early age.
I understand why parents who have kids with needs would be annoyed with me and my negativity on this. I think it can sort of be like undermining them and their situation. They wish too for healthy kids but they are accepting of what their lives are now. I just feel like I've done this already. I accepted what life would be and I did my best to make the most of it. But I lost! Ultimate fail. Why should I be trusted again to have a child with any extra needs? If anything I think we proved we are not the couple who can handle this situation, so the saying you dont get more than you can handle is a flat out lie.
But I know I can't keep feeling these things because it will just give me bad karma... Im already on fates hit list so I dont need to bring in any more negativity. I need a better hobby, stress reducer, something to take my mind off of it since there is nothing I can do to help the situation what so ever. And this is hard because I'm the one carrying the baby. Im keeping track of his movements, I have a constant reminder that my DNA is poison to a child and I hate it. And lately I feel less movement, so makes me think he is possibly getting worse and losing more movement already. My hopes of him being better than Lua ks quickly fading away because the movement is slowing down, and I dont even want to talk about that with my husband... Because if he can keep up hope then he should and I dont want to take that away from him. After one of our first ultrasounds that they told us there are some concern, we went to the mall after and I asked him straight up, do you think he has the condition? And he said, yes. I was shocked and told him No! He doesn't! How could you say that he does? I never thought it would be possible for him to get the condition, I didn't think it was possible for it to happen to us again and besides he was so active in our first ultrasound. I was so disappointed that he would think there was something wrong. And I should have left him be. I should have given that to him instead of giving him false hope because now I'm the one who is really down about our situation. But how do you get it off your mind when you are consumed with it?
the only silver lining here, is with all this devastating news, I haven't felt much pain over the loss of lua, and haven't been thinking too much about how it will be a year in a couple days that she passed away. Now I'm scared to death we are going to live out our worst nightmare for a second time.
I have a busy week, we need to find the hospital we want to deliver at. Madison, Neenah, or Marshfield. Milwaukee is very much so out of the running, although they have great nurses and other doctors there, I dont want to be treated the way we were again. Maybe we can have a better shot at another hospital to get the best care possible.