One year out.

Yesterday was one year since our baby passed away. On Sunday we went to her grave and dropped some fall items off and spent a little time there. It seems unreal that it has been a year yet it seems like it has been forever since I've held that little baby in my arms. I tried to ignore the day over all. I guess her birthday is a more significant moment for me than remembering the day she died. That day she passed was the most painful day of my life, I like to not go back there if I don't have to. To be fair the day she was born was Really painful as well, but at least she gave us so much joy seeing her and her beauty and watching her get stronger. Everything is harder when she isn't with us. I really haven't spent too much time reflecting on how it has been a year and all the feelings that come with it. I did go back and read many things people wrote to me the day she passed. I am still blown away with all the encouraging words people sent to us and how they supported us. The situation could have been a whole lot harder if it wasn't for the family and friends we had during that time. And even this year, I had a lot of people send me messages saying they were thinking of us. That really means a lot to me that so many people are keeping us in their thoughts during such a difficult time!
Me and my husband went on a walk around town for his lunch break after dropping May off at 4k, it was nice to have some time together. But the only thing I could remember is the walk that we took a year ago yesterday back to our empty house after learning our daughter had just died. I didn't want to bring it up though, and this walk was much better than last years walk, but honestly I am surprised by how many things change in a year. Not that taking a walk around waupaca is a huge change, but it is a change in itself, it is a new town, we own a house, and we have baby #3 working on growing but yet we only have one child at home. Definitely not what I pictured we would be doing a year later.
I miss her tons. So many things I wish that would be different.
But I know now I have to focus on this new little baby and helping him be the best he can be. I thank Lua for laying down the pavement for us, and showing the directions we need to take, the doctors we need to find, experiments we need to try. I am also a little mad that this had to happen to her at all and him, but since I apparently can't change anything, we will just roll with it.  
Today we met with the NICU that is near to us, about 45mins away, to see if they would agree to let us deliver our baby there, and everything seems like a go for now. Unless they see in ultrasounds that he is getting a strong contracture in his jaw or if his jaw is being pushed back too much to cause his air way to be closed off. If that is the case then we will have to go to a bigger hospital that can intubate in a different way than their NICU can. So if the baby could at least give me this, be easily intubated, that would be a great step! So we don't have to move to a bigger hospital for months again. But we will see what the next ultrasound will say. It was great news to hear though, that they are willing to take us in and they will transfer to the hospital that we want even though it isnt usually the hospital they transfer to. So all of that looks like good news.

Still thinking of you my little baby angel!