nicu awareness month

Wow, I did not realize that I have not written an update since spring break! I knew I havent been in the mood to do so for awhile, but have not realized it has been so long. I was driving to the store today when I started to think about how this month is nicu awareness month, something I haven't typically done much for, but reading some updates from parents that are currently in the nicu with their little ones, got me thinking about our time at the nicu and how traumatic it can be to be in the nicu. I wish I could let everyone see a glimpse of my memories from the nicu, so that people can truly grasp what it is like to have your baby in a nicu. Since I cant, I can only share a few thoughts that will stay with me forever. In honor of nicu awareness.

As many know, we spent time in two (technically 3) different nicus, and I have to say that they were quite different experiences for us. The nicu stay with Sol was easier and less traumatic, for. The. Most. Part. Two incidents made for some traumatic memories, but actually his admissions when he gets sick scares me more than anything that happened in the nicu with him. One thing that made his time in the nicu less painful (we will say) is that we knew what to expect. I knew I needed to be louder and more opinionated this time. His room was also much nicer, bigger, and quieter. So when i think back about Sol being in the nicu, i have so very few sour moments. I miss some things he had while he was there, and now I get to see the silver lining which is getting to have a toddler that didnt just break out of the nicu at 3 months, but has thrived and gotten stronger and grew into this 20 month old that he is. (Saying dada and lala and sooometimes momma) When I think back about our time with Sol there, the hardest parts of our stay was me pumping 20 hours a day! Being up all night and day pumping away. Ok maybe not 20 hours a Day but it sure felt like it. Also, of course staying in a place that isnt your home can be so uncomfortable, along with not being able to see your other child and your husband 4 days out of the week. Those things were so very hard. But every day when I would go in to see Sol, he would be his relaxed self ready to chill with me. I would get many good reports from doctors about him. Everyone loved him! I heard such few negative things while we were there, which was so helpful because i hate getting bad news by myself.

That last part I believe, no bad news with sol, is what made all the difference between Sol and Luas stay in the nicu. When I think back to our stay with Lua, i have such few good memories. We had amazing nurses that i wish so badly we could have also had with Sol, we had a select few great doctors! But there was too much unknown. I mean, Lua was just a ball full of unknown where very few people thought she would survive for very long. Sometimes I still cant believe that the doctor that delivered her (dr sutton) was able to keep her going until help arrived. I truly did not understand what was happening after she was born. Just image, you are pregnant with your second child with what seemed to be a completely normal pregnancy, you go into labor on your own, after many hours your baby is born and then a second after your baby is born, the doctor takes her away and quickly the room starts to fill with people, you cant see anything, cant see your baby, no one will tell you what is going on, oh and you still have to deliver your placenta yet. At one point i believed she was going to die there on the table, but then help arrives and they get her stable and I asked a nurse if she was ok. The nurse says almost nothing just a very small I dont know.
Anyway moving forward...

When we were sent to the childrens nicu, we were under the impression we were going there to have her contractures fixed. Imagine our surprise when we were finally allowed in by Lua we had a team of 8(?) doctors standing around her telling us she is going to die. Utter shock. This is my first memory that goes through my head every time i think about lua being in the nicu. A bunch of doctors, which that alone is tremendously intimidating, standing around our baby telling us she is going to die.  They didnt think she would live to 6 months, they probably didn't expect her to leave the nicu in reality. Now, besides that moment... numerous people would come in many days in a row to tell us how severe, weak, and a lot of work lua would be. This is our baby! Our newborn baby and we were expected to just give up on her immediately. This is what I get to remember whenever I think of Lua being a newborn. Never any good news about her. Multiple times being asked if we rather her just let her go. I can't even justify using the word traumatic, there should be a stronger word, but yes so very traumatic. Not to mention all the other things that make staying at a nicu hard, living away from home, having a 2 1/2 year old at the time and trying to balance both being in the nicu and taking care of her. Yes, Lua's nicu stay was much hard than Sols. This brand new world we entered and we had no idea this would ever become our life.

But, both our babies made it out of the nicu. Many times parents don't get to leave the nicu with their babies. Even if we did lose Lua 4 months later, we were able to take her home. What i would give to have had the knowledge we have with Sol with Lua. I know for a fact she would still be here if we knew the things we know now.

I wish i had some amazing words for any new parent in the nicu, but I don't believe there are any such words. No matter how short or long a nicu stay is, you always have the grief of the loss of that perfect  birth, leaving the hospital with your baby, or whatever it was that you pictured would happen after you have this sweet baby you longed for. The loss of that is definitely fair to grieve over, but it is certainly worth it to make it through each day and be able to take your baby home. That is the best moment, best feeling ever.