damage

The last couple of nights have been going very well for Sol. No oxygen dips overnight! Which means no waking up 6 times a night for us! He has still done a few dips during the day during his naps, but I'm wondering if it is the increase of saliva that is causing him to pause breathing or something, but, thankfully he has gotten so much better. So much better that last night I got to sleep from 11pm to 4am! IT was amazing!!! I feel like a real person again!!! Woo hoo! And yesterday he had a lot less suctioning than what he had previously. Although it was still a lot... it was less, and he needed no suctioning at night.

Last week we started nursing at the house. I started with a few days for 4 hours. With Lua I had nursing full time and it just became to overwhelming for me. I didn't have any nurse I really clicked with so that is one problem, but I felt too much anxiety of having to be in the house with someone all day, feeling obligated to entertain them, and if I wasn't entertaining them then I needed to find something for them to do so they didn't just sit around and do nothing, but the last nurse I had, wasn't really enthused about keeping busy. That is why I wanted to start off slow and just get the hours I really needed them. I don't have a lot of things to do out of the home all the time, and I don't really want to spend 8 hours a day away from Sol... just a weird thing I have going on I suppose. I'm too jealous of nurses with my babies, I want so badly to have a normal baby at home that it is weird to have a nurse come in and take care of your child. Last week the schedule worked really well for me and the nurse we have was GREAT! but the company had a nurse they wanted for us that was already working with a baby that had a trach and gtube. At the time she left the company for a full time job, but I got a call last week that, I guess that fell through, because now she wants to work with us but the stipulation is she wants full time. She is coming today, soon here, and we will see how things work out. I'm not sold that I want full time nursing still. I can't have more anxiety than I already have going on! So we will see what happens today. Maybe if she is an amazing nurse we will just work with it. I don't know. we will see.

On another note. Sometimes I go along life and think that there wasn't any permanent damage done by losing Lua. There are moments that suck, moments that I wish her to be back, that I can't believe she is gone, but I usually think that is it. We miss her, long for her back, and that is that. I was watching call the midwife yesterday, and they did this episode about a mother that has a baby die at birth from being severely deformed. In the season finale of the show, they go back to that mother and she is just a mess. Being away from home because she can't handle her kids, and she says how she just wanted that baby girl so bad. That hit home hard! It made me realize that although I think we miss her and that is the most of it, every time I lose it is probably related to the permanent damage done to losing our child. I already had a low tolerance for things before having kids, then having kids that gets lower... then losing your child, I can hardly tolerate things anymore at all! I feel bad all the time May drives me crazy. I am that person who knows better than anyone you should cherish your children because you never know about tomorrow, but sometimes I can't take it! Now I see that it maybe isn't because I'm a bad mom, I'm just damaged from losing my child and that sneaks out from time to time on me. It is all just crazy what happens after you lose a child.