Home owners

Today, we officially became homeowners, bought our first house. We have been living in this house for almost two weeks, but today we finally made the big purchase. Is it silly how scary, nerve wrecking, and a bit exciting it is to do this? And now as I try to go to sleep, tonight it feels different. I guess because I know it is ours now. We are fully responsible, we are in debt the next 30 years or until we sell, hopefully be able to cover all the expenses. But one thing is different than I expected...tonight struggling to sleep I didn't picture the morning Lua died as I laid down. Something I always always always did in our last house, the house she died in. Of course I'm thinking about it now, but I'm a little relieved that coming to a new house has calmed that down. I don't have to look at the same sights and remember that this light in the hall way was on right before, or the door was in this position, or her equipment was in this spot. None of that is here and it is now really a new beginning. I was worried leaving our old house would be hard, that's where lua lived, slept, laid on the floor, but those memories are still strong in my mind, but the house is the background. When I think of that house I remember coming home from the hospital after delivering lua and having an empty house that should have held a crying new born working on how to nurse. I think about how I went into labor there, the pain I had and the heartache that followed. And mostly I think about her last night, her last moments, my struggle to get her lifeless body breathing again. In the end I guess that house really did hold so much pain over happiness. I mean I won't lie and say there were no good times. Of course there were, but I finally feel set free from having to live that nightmare over and over again and be in that empty house that should have still had a baby with a trach living in it. I hope this buying a house was a smart decision, at least one we dont regret. I hope we can keep this a happy memory making house. And I hope lua can still somewhat some how, be apart of our new house by living in all of our hearts and memories.
To new beginnings, while still honoring the past.