One year trach anniversary for Lua

A year ago today Lua went in to get her trach and gtube. She was a month old! We were super nervous but a little excited because that meant we would be closer to taking her home. She did just fine during her surgery and it went really fast!!! I remember when they brought her back, I was in the pumping room so I didnt see her right away but when I came out my husband said, "you should go see her." That kind of scared me! But he said, No! She looks sooo different! I was scared to walk in and see her, I didnt know how different she would look, good or bad? But she was beautiful of course! and she did look so different! It was really nice to see her pretty little face behind that breathing tube. The funniest part was I noticed she was starting to open her eyes and it had only been maybe 30mins or some after her surgery and I asked the nurse how long she would be out and she's like, oh she will be out for a long time! I'm like, really? because it looks like she is waking up.. and yep sure enough she woke up! She didn't want to miss anything I suppose.

Now a year later, I am sending in the blue prints for her head stone. I just cant believe it. How did we go from that to this in under a year? I realized the worst part for me is how much her death took me by surprise... and I think anyone who I talk to when i say this they dont believe me, I mean she was born with a lot of difficulties but that is why we went and did all these things, the trach, gtube, staying in the hospital and learning everything we had to. We were preparing for the long haul! Not only for 7 months. So I thought with all this preparation and with no diagnosis, I didn't have to worry about losing her. But I was wrong, I should have been better prepared I suppose.

I miss her little life, all of her, the life she was, the person she was, the person she made me... I miss all of that. Sometimes I feel like I am so close to having her by me again but I just can't quite make that last stretch that I need to grab her... That doesnt make sense but it does some what in my head. And right now in our lives we are just a mess... My husband was offered a job in a different town and ended up not going with it. A change would be really good for us, but apparently we cant find the change that will work for both of us, so part of me feels like I'm suffocating in this house where we lost our baby. We arent really going forward, we dwelling in our sorrows which is only making it harder to move on. I simply wish something would change that would be for the better... we just are not there yet. 

First picture of her with her trach