D day

A couple days ago I had a hard day. Wait, i almost laughed loudly when i wrote that... after last week and the scare that we had with Sol, this week is a day that I had a hard day... it is kind of funny. Anyway, it wasnt because of Sol though. I have another tshirt order i am finishing up and these are hard for me because no matter how hard i try, i always end up looking at pictures of Lua when I go on that computer. This day i didnt even try to see her pictures, but i accidentally ended up seeing some old nicu pics. Oh how my heart breaks and how bad it hurts. It hurts especially bad knowing Sol had the exact same sickness lua had and now, only now two years later, did we learn what needs to be done to help them get past a bad virus. Im so glad Sol was so strong for us, but im so sad we didnt know this for her. So the pain kicks in and it hurts a lot. At that moment i didnt even realize that in a week it will be two years that she passed away. It makes sense now. I have been trying really hard to not think of the day she died, but it hits you no matter if you are trying to ignore it or not. Ive been extremely anxious lately, sad, and only today did i realize the day is right around the corner. We are suppose to go to madison on the anniversary day to get sol casted. I really didn't want to plan anything for that day. I really want to just skip this day entirely. No october 12. Lets just go from october 11 to the 13th, unfortunately it doesnt work like that. Bummer.

I have no thoughts on this day. I dont want to. A lot of people talk about the anniversary days, some only have one day their angels came and left this world and that day is the hard day. Losing a child of any age after their birth, gives you two days .  For me both days suck. Her birthday doesnt just remind me she isnt here to celebrate with,  it reminds me of how we almost lost her. Reminds me of how i was so clueless that anything was wrong. What seemed to be a perfect pregnancy, was all a lie. On her birthday i feel so naive and foolish for not knowing i wasnt bringing a healthy baby girl into this world. Yet her birthday is a day i want to think about and do something for. Although she is gone, she made it past her birthday and she deserves to be celebrated.

I have no silver lining to the day she died. It is just a bitter, painful, dark day. She should be here. She should just be here.
Im already trying to find a way to disappear on october 12, but that will be hard to do when we have to travel that day. maybe it will be good that we will be preoccupied especially so i dont go on facebook and see any memory from that day. I feel bad that i dont want to acknowledge this day for her, but i think it just comes down to the fact i think she should be here. That we should have done more, i should have known she was struggling and something should have been done.
I know there is nothing that can be done now, of course, but i think it is just a process on learning to beat the guilt.