Three years ago today we met our beautiful daughter. We were very close to not having her in our lives at all, but she fought so hard she must have been determined to live this life however short it may be.
The picture here is the last picture before labor got too strong. I had already been having contractions on and off for 14 hours, and the hospital staff started to prepare everything for our water birth, which is when this picture was taken. I think about this picture a lot, this moment here we knew our lives were going to change but we were unaware at how it was going to change. Having a child no matter what number it is, is always life changing, yet to say having Lua was life doesn't seem to mean enough. How can there be anything that means more than life changing? I'm not sure, but that is what it seems like my life did. Changed my life to something I could have never even imagine would come to happen. I can say for certainty that I never pictured my life turning out the way it has now. I know most of us don't live the lives we thought we would anyway, but never ever would I have guessed we would have gone on to have a healthy child, a child with an undiagnosed condition, lose that child, and go on to have another child with the same condition as our previous child that we lost. I guess some things are too unbelievable to ever be able to imagine. I know this is a lot of rambling, as usual, but it is just thoughts.
Unfortunately, I started this blog on her actual birthday, but things went crazy and I was never able to finish it. Her birthdays are seeming to get harder each year though. Even though we had a nice time going to the cemetery with all of us, then later going out to eat, it is just hard to believe that as a 28 year old mother, you have buried a child (at the age of 26).
And every day I live in a little bittersweet moment, having Sol and seeing him get bigger and accomplish more things, along with watching his struggles, I have a constant reminder of what could have been. She should be here doing just as well as he is, she was improving just as much as him, but for some reason or another we aren't living in that scenario of having all three of our kids.
This is why her birthday is hard. Along with many many other reasons.
Every day it is a battle to fight all the why's and what if's and try to just move along with my day. Then you have all different kinds of people all around telling you to just get over it, move on already. I swear I hear people still talking about when their dogs died, why is it okay to mourn over your dog for years, but I shouldn't get a lifetime to mourn over my own child. So many backwards things in this world.
We celebrated you, Lua, on your special day. We Love and miss you terribly.
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