Almost march

I noticed last year, and this year, how this season is very difficult for me. When i see green stuff coming out and all the shamrock stuff, i start to cringe. In 2014 I almost had Lua on st patricks day, ive never cared about this holiday before but now it is a constant reminder and a day I try my best to avoid. I've been in such a bad mood lately and really seeing all my flaws, like how jealous I feel, how ungrateful I can be, and I'm sure there are more but those two stand out the most at times like this. I am very happy for everyone who gets pregnant and go on to have the perfect, happy, healthy families, but there is always a part that hits such a sore spot. I suppose it comes with the territory.
I was watching counting on, or whatever it is called now, with the duggar family, and I realized that I have never experienced that 'second' child. Even though I have birthed three babies, I have no idea what it is like to raise two healthy kids or have two healthy births. I will never experience having that baby put on your chest right after they are born again, and for some reason that really bothers me and hurts the most. I know I've said it before, but it just does, and I hate watching that show for that reason. It really saddens me that this already huge family can just keep having more kids and more kids. I know all the arguments that are out there, they are a good family, they are raising great kids, yeah yeah, I get it, but it doesn't stop the fact that some people out there would love to have just two healthy kids and watching them plan to have as many kids as their bodies will let them, feels like a slap to the face for those who would love two or some who want just one. That is where my ungrateful part comes in, I should be so thankful that I've experienced three kids, but Lua's death really spoils everything. Makes me bitter, as we have covered, and also keeps it in the back of my mind that how long will I have with Sol. Their condition is so severe. I never try to think about this for very long because it is so painful, but there is no denying it. I constantly worry over every sneeze, every weird temperature, every off heart beat, that he is getting worse and will the day that we lose him come soon. I never thought about these things with Lua. I was very ignorant about this. Maybe that is what has gotten Sol to be a year old, is my constant worry over it, regardless it is not a great way to live. It is burning me out lately and it also causes you to want to distant yourself away from everyone that has a baby because seeing healthy baby after healthy baby can break a person. I really hope that this feeling changes, as the kids get older, you stop feeling so angry that everyone in the world can have healthy babies except you (over exaggerating of course, I know) but that is what it brings you to. I am staying hopeful that someday my feelings will change.
If I wouldn't have had such bad experiences with local therapists, I think it would be great to meet with one, probably something I Need to do, but it is tricky to find the right person. We have an amazing therapist in madision I love to see when we are there, but it is a good thing we haven't been inpatient for awhile, but unfortunately, that means this blog gets bogged down with these depressing posts...
I think it is important, though, to be able to recognize these feelings and at least I can pinpoint to where they are coming from, so at times I am able to control them when they get too out of control. It is never easy though. This year I started the 30 days of yoga with adriene, and I absolutely loved it. I feel like I can push through some anxiety and blow ups that I'm so use to having, so I am continuing this practice for the whole year hopefully, and maybe by next year this time of year wont bother me so much. Except I am fully aware we NEVER know what the next day will hold, so I don't plan on saying next year will be better, could be worse we never know.

Anyway the point of all of this is, I really hate the month of march and it isnt even hear yet. Some days I imagine all these things that happened, happened differently and I am sitting at home pulling my hair out because I have three kids that are running and jumping and messing up our house, fighting and yelling, breaking things and throwing food and it is the best day dream ever.